The Secret and The Health


For two months I have been hiding away from my blog. Not because I have nothing to talk about, but rather because I have too much to talk about. If you have read my post from my last life update, (if you haven't, shame on you for not catching up - go get reading!) you would would know that me and Alexander are no longer together and I began a relationship with Adam.


Since then, I have kept a secret. Kind of a big secret, which explains my absence; if I had blogged constant updates and blah, I would of accidentally slipped out the secret because I am a blabber mouth and like to tell people everything. Not that I care for anyone's opinions, as this is MY life I am living and I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness except Rhea-Jane's and Adam's, but I wanted to keep it to myself for a while.



God Lauren, tell the secret already.... well how about I just show you?

That's right.
Upgraded to Big Sister!

If you are completely surprised (if you hadn't already read my announcement tweet) then you know how I felt when I found out! When Rhea-Jane was five and a half months old, I found out that I was indeed pregnant. Not going to lie, I didn't process it myself, I was in denial as it had taken me around TEN months to conceive Rhea, and it only took a couple of weeks with the new baby. 

Now Rhea-Jane is nine months old and my baby is growing strong at 18 weeks gestation, I felt it was time to update my blog with the good news! I do not know the gender yet because I still have to wait til the 25th of this month. Both Adam and I are over the moon, completely shocked and still can't believe it, but a life is precious and we are so excited for our future with our new baby joining us. 



As you all know, my pregnancy with Rhea-Jane was so smooth I thought any other pregnancies I would have would also be breeze - oh I was so SO wrong. The first trimester was horrendous and that's not an exaggeration; I felt dizzy and faint all the time, headaches were my morning wake up call, and nausea was my worst enemy. Before I could even take a pregnancy test I had all these symptoms, which alarmed me to tell Adam as we had only just started dating. 

A few days before my period was due I took tests; four negative. Still, I was adamant I was pregnant because my body and health weren't as it usually is and the symptoms were just too familiar to when I was previously pregnant. People say Mother's Instinct is a load of bollocks and an Old Wive's Tale, but hey presto, the day my period was due I took a digital test and it showed PREGNANT 1-2. Hello old friend, fancy seeing you again.

Not only did I feel like I was hungover everyday, I also felt like utter shit. Around thirteen weeks gestation my Sciatica, also known as Pelvic Gurdle Pain, came at me like a knife to the stomach. Some days i can't walk because the pain radiates through my pubic bone and down my legs, Adam even had to practically carry me to the bathroom every time I needed a bloody piss. How romantic, eh? This still happens now I am in my second trimester and it isn't getting any easier - it's getting worse.

Two trips to the Doctors to still be told there is nothing they can do and I just have to ride it out - cheers pal, thanks for the help.

This means that Adam is basically my carer but it's not just me he helps out, he also looks after Rhea when I can't. That even means he gets up in the night to feed/cuddle my baby girl back to sleep. Honestly, he is the most caring and gentle guy I have ever met, running around after me by running bubble baths, making cups of tea, making me hot water bottles, and over all making me feel comfortable - what a babe, I don't even ask him to.

C'mon, how cute is this?!

Getting big so early!

Pregnancy doesn't just affect my body, but it also affects my mental health. My first trimester sent my anxiety and depression through a black hole and I felt like I couldn't get out. Most days I would just sit and cry, other days I would lash out and get irritated at those who are just trying to help me. What got me through was my daughter and her smiles, Adam and never giving up on me, and the fact that I finally admitted that I needed professional help. I started a six week support group, also named CBT.

Now because I am a homemaker, there was a free nursery I could get Rhea into that was literally next door to where the support group was, so I also had to fight my anxiety of leaving my baby with strangers. Before I began the group, I visited the nursery and met all the staff and they seemed very trusting and caring, especially because of their previous experiences. I had to go for it for both of our sake;  I am not a perfect mum and I needed the help so I could be a better mum to my daughter.

Honestly, I learnt a lot in this group of how to cope with my anxiety and depression but it really didn't help solve my problem. What I did realise though, was that there was a much deeper underlying reason why I had gotten so bad. It wasn't because I am pregnant and my hormones are going insane, but because of somethings that had happened in the past. 

The lovely psychiatrist from the support group had referred me for a six week therapy session. Last week I had my first session where I basically met my therapist and gave small details of what I have been through in the past. In the next sessions, she will be breaking down my issues and talking about them one by one and I am absolutely shitting it knowing that I have to go into detail. However, this is what I need and this is what I have waited years to do.



I am on the right track to being healthy both physically and mentally. My daughter and new baby come first and I need them to see their mum be all rainbows and butterflies around them being the best mum I can be.

It helps that I have now split custody of Rhea 50/50 so she spends quality time with her Dad. Took eight months to finally give in and let my baby stay at her Dad's house as I have just loved having her 24/7 since she was born. I miss her when she is gone and I am so excited when she is back. I have noticed that since she is 50/50 with me and her Dad, she seems so much more happier and relaxed, even my Mum can see the difference. 

It's time I took control of my life and got better.
Anxiety and depression won't control me anymore.





Okay, I won't over flow you with information.

Think I should stop for now!







Much love,


2 comments:

  1. I'm so so glad everything seems to be going well with your babies! And I'm so sorry for you that the beginning of your pregnancy was a bit of a tough start. Mine was so easy but they say not every pregnancy is the same, even for the same person! Hopefully it'll be smooth sailing from here. And I'm sorry to hear about your mental health issues, I'm currently having CBT too, are you still doing that or just with the therapist now? Do you find its helping? And well done you for getting over your anxiety of leaving Rhea for short periods of time. I'm scared to leave Logan with his dad while I go to work let alone a nursery full of strangers...it's tough isn't it :( I hope you're starting to feel a bit better soon lovely and a bit more like yourself :) xx

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  2. Hey girl! I have a 9 month old in two weeks and I am 16 weeks pregnant! Congrats and I feel you on all the symptoms. Let's be pregnant pals! lol Good luck with the rest of it. They say the second time is easier, I hope they are talking about delivery lol

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