Where have I been?


August 14th was my last post; shit, sorry! It's been quite a hectic few months especially since Rhea-Jane has been ill for a few weeks with a viral throat infection and she passed it on to me. Plenty to talk about, but honestly, my excuse is that I didn't have the laptop charger and my Blogger Mobile App is a pile of dog shit. 


I don't even know how to begin on this. My life is quite different to what I last updated you on. I may even be judged because it's not some people's outlook on life and what a family should be about; some of you may even think that I've made a stupid mistake; some of you might just read this and not give a hoot about what has happened or will happen in the future; some of you may or may not support my decisions. However, I am writing it anyway. 

My life is truthfully spoken through my blog, so what's the point in pretending everything is hunky-dory? In the end, the truth comes out no matter how much glitter you sprinkle on the shit.



Now where was I?
Oh yes, the last thing I updated you on was my PPD, though, I would rather talk about my life in general. I was with Alexander playing happy families, right? Right. Well that's changed. For the first two months of Rhea-Jane's life, I lived with my parents and Alexander stayed three times a week. It was amazing at first, life felt great: searching for my own place to live, the father of my baby helping me out and spending time with us like a proper family, and promising the life I have always dreamed of.

It all went downhill not long after I found my own place. As the weeks went on, I saw Alexander a few times a week as I didn't want to live with him (personal reasons) so that put a strain on us first. After a while I just felt like I wasn't in love with him anymore. Every time I saw him, I just resented him a little more. He didn't stick to his promises and I felt like I had mug tattooed across my forehead.

Don't get me wrong, I can't fault him as a father, but I could jot down a few things to why I didn't want him as a boyfriend anymore - I won't. As time progressed, I just ended up just loving him as the father to my baby rather than the boyfriend I once adored. It's strange how things can dramatically change. At first I thought my PPD played a big part in my decisions and mindset, but as I recovered, I discovered it wasn't hormonal or mental. I really just didn't love him anymore.

As much as it broke my heart knowing that Rhea-Jane would grow up in two happy separate homes, I realised that it was better than her growing up in one broken one. This was NOT an easy decision to make in the slightest. Do I push on and see if the love comes back or do I end it completely as this wasn't the first or last time I would feel this way? It was time to call it quits.

After all, I was basically a single mum living on my own whilst Alexander came round a few times a week to see our daughter. I knew I could cope on my own. Hats off to single mums out there who have done this from the beginning - it's far from easy - tough times, good times, amazing times.

Knowing this was the end, Alexander didn't put up a fight. Packing his bags in silence, he strolled round my place finding everything of his and taking it to his actual home. I felt for him, I really did, but what could I do? Pretend? No chance. In the end, we both sat down and spoke about visiting times. I was quite open at first letting him pick 4 days a week for however many hours he wanted, but that all changed too.

Few times a week Alexander would visit Rhea-Jane, however, as he got busier in work, he would message me to either cancel or to ask for a day less a week. It hadn't even been that long and we are down to 2 days a week for a couple hours in the morning. I got so sick of his cancels and changes that I set actual days and told him that if he cancels then he has to wait til his next set date because I shouldn't change my days to suit him. It wasn't fair.

Workaholics, eh?



Great... now to the tricky part that I know I am definitely going to be judged by a few for. Hmm. Can I sprinkle the glitter on the shit to make this a whole lot easier, please?

Okay...here goes.


Four years ago this winter, I met a friend for the first time at a football match. We never really spoke except the odd "Hi" and "how are you?" He had a Mrs and I was with Daniel so both of us weren't exactly going to have a full blown conversation especially when your boyfriend is a control freak over you. Daniel hated this guy. For no reason at all unless he felt threatened, and they never saw eye to eye because Daniel acted like some big man behind the screen but an absolute pansy in person.

For four years, all the interaction with my friend was just over Twitter and Facebook. Basically, all we did was insult each other over Social Media but we both knew it was a laugh and not serious. Often I would see him comment or like one of my photos but I never really took much noticed. What was weird was that every time I did a friend "clear out" I would never remove him. To be honest, I never really knew why; something just told me not to.

When I was with Alex, I can hand on heart tell you that I never even spoke to my friend at all. He watched my life go by on my Social Media updates, watched me go through my pregnancy, watched my daughter grow. My friend told me lately that he was absolutely gutted when he found out I was pregnant. Why? Because this friend had a "thing" for me. How cute is that!

Now this is where I am going to definitely be judged. I invited my friend round to meet Rhea. Strictly meet Rhea. I couldn't even remember what my friend looked like never mind if we would get along. Remember, we never really had a conversation so our first meeting was really nerve wracking. Is he a dick? Will he be a sweetheart? Would I end up chucking him out or chucking him on my bed? I'd never know unless we sat down and finally had an adult conversation without other half's having a stare down at us.

Opening the door my heart stopped - stunning - it had been years since I last saw his face. His smile was adorable; his eyes were bright; he was TALL. I didn't know whether to say Hi or to giggle like a love-struck school girl. In the end I shyly said Hi and went to hold Rhea, well after all he was there for Rhea not me. 

Straight away Rhea-Jane felt comfortable around him and would giggle, laugh, annoy him and play. What I always believed was that a baby knows characters better than adults. They know who is bad and who is good for someone. Rhea-Jane knew my friend was a good'en.

For SIX hours my friend stayed. We spoke, we laughed, we joked, we reminisced about old times, and slagged off our ex's - as you do. I felt so comfortable and relaxed around him. Nerves were still there but I couldn't figure out why. Did I like this guy more than a friend? Was it butterflies? Oh god I felt sick, but the good sick. I couldn't help but stare at him from across the room and every so often I would catch his eye: awkward.

Not long into our conversations I felt the need to flirt. Unintentionally of course. I'm just a natural *wink.* Nerves stopped me going full flirt because I didn't know how he felt towards me. Did he think I was pretty? Does he see me strictly as a friend? Does he feel the same way towards me? Was there more feelings than just a friendly feeling? Shit, was I going to make a fool of myself? I just had to give it a whirl... the flirting of course, not him.

He flirted back - WIN!

It wasn't long before he had to go. Genuinely, I was gutted he had to leave; time flew by too fast and there was so much more I wanted to learn about him. Still, I refused to give him my number. Why? Because I was afraid he would turn out to be one of those clingy freaks that just won't stop texting and you have to block him on everything. The only way he could contact me was over Social Media and I was okay with that.

A few days later we agreed to meet up again. I enjoyed his company and he enjoyed mine and Rhea-Jane's. Rather than being in a stuffy flat, this time we went on a nature walk, as it was a beautiful day and Rhea just LOVES trees and forests. When I saw my friend again, I knew there was something more than a friendship, he was beautiful. His gorgeous blue/green eyes, his blonde wavy hair, his height, his build, his everything. There was no way I could just be friends when I felt so strongly towards him.

When you first start seeing someone, you get nervous of whether they feel the same way or you are just going to end up looking like a plank. We would sit down and just talk. Talk and talk. He was so open about his feelings about me. He felt the same. After being in a relationship for so long, you forget what it feels like to see someone new; the butterflies, the palm sweats, the urges. All I wanted to do was kiss him over and over.

Time went by and we saw each other more and more and we ended up getting into a relationship. Quick? Yes. Cares? None. Mine, Rhea-Jane's, and my friend's happiness was what matters.

My friend became my boyfriend.

Since I first set eyes on A, I knew this was going to more than a friendship, never mind a fling. Everything is so new and exciting and I am so excited for our future. I just hope you understand that families aren't perfect and sometimes the best thing to do is leave the father of your child because it is going to be such an unhealthy environment for your baby and to move on with your life however you damn well please.



There are things I cannot mention but you get the gist of my life right now and how I met A.







Much love,


4 comments:

  1. Isn't it odd how much our life changes in just the matter of four years. Sounds like a long time but it isn't really. It is nice however to see that you are happy again after struggling with a relationship that just wasn't working. And in the end for what it is worth I do agree with you that it was the right thing to do for you and Rhea. It shouldn't matter what people think about you getting into a new relationship, even one so quickly. As long as you are happy and true to yourself that all that matters. In addition I do like the way that these blog posts help you to express yourself, fulfilling that urge to get things off your chest and if I am being honest I might try something similar for myself as writing has always been something that helps me collate all my ideas together. I would also like to take this time to apologise to you about the way I acted during college. Sometimes we got off on the wrong foot and our personality clashed a little. But from what I have read you seem like an alright lass. I have done some growing up myself to which is why I am saying this stuff now haha. Even if it seems a little out of the blue, I still think saying something rather than nothing is always better. If you are wondering who this is, it's Jordan from collage. I use to hang around with You, Sara and Loren.

    Well I hope you have a great time with the new BF. And hopefully get to meet up with you and Loren at some point and catch up. If you want to that is.

    Best wishes,

    Jordan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well hello Jordan, I never expected to get a comment from you haha! Thank you for everything you said despite how we last left our friendship. Blogging is an amazing therapeutic experience so I would push you towards the idea of doing it. I'd read it anyway!
      Thank you for commenting!

      Delete
  2. Life can throw us many challenges and it can be difficult. Sometimes we don't expect certain things out of life and what was planned doesn't always happen. I realized this the hard way. People evolve and they change. Through obstacles we realize who we are and what we want from life. We make decisions that will affect our lives for the better. With that being said, you are a strong person and I commend you! I'm so happy that you're happy!

    -Ashley
    piecesofashley.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're like a poet haha, beautifully written comment! I couldn't agree more with you. Thank you so much for the kind words and for even making time to comment! x

      Delete

Every comment is much appreciated and I am grateful that you had taken the time to leave your thoughts. Comments with questions and NEED to replied to will be replied to within 24hrs. Thank you.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
✿ Facebook // 87
❀ Instagram // 450
✿ Twitter // 3493

Follow



2017 Copyright of ❀ Lauren O'Hara (c) ✿
All Rights Reserved!
Custom Branding & Design By
Krystal Marie Design Studio